young and full of fire

this year I hit the big two zero and it feels surreal. On some days, I feel as though my soul is old, far too old for my body. And on other days, days like these, I feel the punch of being young; the thrill of having my life ahead of me sizzles on the tip of my tongue. I have so much to give. So much to say. So much to offer. These days, I think of this city and feel in my gut that I was meant for something bigger. Not a bigger city, but a bigger space. A space my soul could breathe in, a place I could be whoever I know I can be without second thought, without holding back.

These days, it plays in my mind that I was made for more. More than a 9 to 5, more than an apartment in a congested city, more than settling for whatever has been handed down to me. I know, by the marrow of my bones, that I was made for more than chasing down the next piece of clothing that went out down the runway, more than my next pay rise. I was made for more than chasing down assignments after assignments, more than chasing after boys and after the thrill of uncovering the secret behind their smirks.

I am young and full of fire.

I was made to run wild and free. I wasn't made to be boxed in, but to wander, like a child- bright eyes and a big heart. I was made to blossom like a flower in summer rain, to find home in sun and sea and trees- big, tall, wonderfully majestic trees.

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in this season, I keep feeling like there is more. I keep feeling in my spirit, 'don't settle'. it keeps coming to me, like waves. God comes to me gently and He stirs up something in me, gives me an expectation for greater things. Greater things in my school life, greater things in my lifegroup, greater things in my family. I'm excited and expectant and at the same time petrified because that means things will change. moving out of my comfort zone will shake me, of all people. 'don't settle' means things i have settled with will not be things that i can settle with.

i am sitting here, just as i am, in this darkness that threatens to swallow me whole. At times, i'm so tempted to run. there must be a window, a door somewhere, within an arm's reach. There has to be. But i have to stay here. I choose to stay here. I'll stay and wait for You to come through. You have to. because that's just who You are.

You are the God who pursues me; You are the God who so loves me.