oh the heart is such a funny thing

these days i feel like i am not my own- that my heart is not mine, that i can't trust anyone, not even my own heart. do you know this feeling? at times i stay up at night and i sob myself senseless, just because i don't know what i am feeling. the heart is a fleeting thing. at one moment it wants what it wants but in another moment, it turns and runs in the other direction. what is it i am feeling? what do i want? (wait, is this heart even mine?) what does said heart want?

somedays i walk around and i fight so hard to act like i've got things together. i'm so good at this, that i deceive myself into thinking that i am okay, that i've got a hold of things and that all is well. but come night, i am on my knees, crying out to God to save me from myself. i have no where to run. do you know what it feels like? to have absolutely no one, not even yourself to crumble against? how do you admit to yourself that you are broken? (do people even do that?)

oh the heart is such a wondrous thing

last night i read a piece of scripture from Psalm 95, in verse 5 it says, "The sea is His, for He made it, and His hands formed the dry land." and i felt God impress upon my heart, that just as the sea is His because He made it, so is my heart. "my heart is His, for He made it." God is absolutely sovereign, over every wave that crashes in the sea, over the surge of the tides. and just as the moon pulls the tides back and forth, to rise and to fall, may my heart gravitate towards God, and be completely malleable in His hands. my heart is truly not my own.

slowly, i am starting to realise, that the reason why i am reduced to absolutely nothing is so that i can absolutely trust Him. the Word of God says to us to trust in God, not do a 50-50 between God and yourself. this season is a season of waiting on God alone, waiting for the next tide to rise and the next to fall. to fall into place.

oh the heart is such a wondrous thing.

because it is His. it is His. it belongs to the King of the Universe. i am His and joyfully His will i remain. i may never be able to put a label on what this feels like, but i trust. even if it means i have to fall on my knees at His feet every night, still i will trust. i will wait and know that my heart is His.

He will bring starlight even in the darkness. even in the darkness, i will call out to Him and He will answer me because He is my God and i am His child. oh joy, i am His child.

i am His child.