Tuesday night saw me watching a sermon during dinner that was such a great and timely word for me. Since then I feel like I have been listening, now with open ears, to God teaching me more about His grace- the grace that is so often preached to us as children of God. I realised that maybe, I didn't know so much of the kind of love and second chances we have been so used to hearing preached over the pulpit- maybe I have been numbed to the power of this truth. 

Can I be real with you? This season has been so tiring, as I have written over and over. There are mornings I wake up and I hate who I have become. There are new bruises where the old ones have not faded. I keep hitting the same damned wall over and over. But there is so much grace for me I wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't believe it. 

So this is for you. When it gets hard to breathe, when its easier to stay in bed. Get up. God can still use you. Get up. Your fight isn't over. Get up and live out the grace you claim to know. Get up and give yourself the same grace you give so easily to others. 

If there was one thing I've learnt through the sermon I heard on Tuesday night, is that we need to stop measuring ourselves and how well we are doing based on physical, visible things (how many times have I fallen / how bad did I screw up this time).. We need to measure how well we are doing based on the weight of our hearts. Are we gravitating towards God? Have I learnt something? Is this setback in fact propelling me towards Jesus? 

As a writer, I think it is inherent that I weave beautiful stories out of tragedies, beauty out of ache. It is who I am and who I have grown to be. No heartache can be too painful to write about and somehow I always find that these stories wind up in beautiful, although sometimes painful, endings. And while I was in the shower this morning, this is what I have realized: As I am a writer in my own silly way, God is the writer of my stories. And regardless of the pain and the brokenness, it is like Him and in His nature that He wraps up every mistake and crafts a beautiful story in the end. 

So this is me, giving what I have- of good times, I immortalize in words, of bad times I still churn something out, hoping that I can touch a heart somewhere out there and give warmth from the places that I am hurt the deepest.

This is a song that I wrote, 2/3 months back that is relevant to me today and may be relevant to someone today: 

Jesus, I'm running back to You 

I'm running back to You 

I'm running to Your arms for the millionth time 

Jesus, I'm running back to You 

I'm running back to You 

I'm running back to grace for the millionth time 

Take me in Lord 

Take me in Lord

Take me into holiness 

Wash me clean and 

Cleanse my lips Lord 

Prepare my heart and send me out again 

I may fall for the millionth time but 

I choose to see your faithfulness 

I am weak but I'm not defeated 

With You I choose to rise and fight again

And ending off this raw, unedited post (because I know no words I can add to make it more than it is), is a quote that God revealed to me in the very beginning: 

Whatever the devil uses for evil, God can use for good. 

God bless you guys; big hugs xx