I turn 21 tomorrow. Not that it should mean anything. But I don't think it makes sense if it means nothing too. Birthdays are always a time to think about where I am, who I am, how far I've come and how far He's carried me. It's an introspective time, but rightfully so; what are milestones if they are only celebrated? Somethings in life are meant to be meditated upon, sat on, chewed on and spat out. Nothing gives life quite the taste like this. For my heart at least. 

I'm rolling this words around my tongue and it tumbles in circles in my mind. How can someone feel so detached from her age? Yet, I've never heard louder, never seen clearer, never been more assured of the things I love and who I've been moulded to be and I think it has everything to do with the knocks and bumps every step of the way. I am the bruises and cuts I have received. I am the war of head and heart. I am my battle scars. There is something beautiful in looking back and being drawn to the hard times instead of the good ones, the times God broke me, the times I broke me, the times others broke me. Everything I have experienced makes me who I am. Of course that doesn't mean that it has been void of good, solid times that are worthy of mention. 

16
And I am seated on the second last row of bus 15, next to the window on the left. It's 4:30pm in the afternoon and after a day of school, I am finally awake. I have a cup of bubble tea on one hand and Eldest (from the Eragon series) on the other. And John Mayer is whispering songs to me all the way home.

18
It's days before A levels. I sit at the corner of Elias macs like I always do. I buy myself a mocha frappe and tweet about how macs should have something chocolatey... But I drink that anyway. I unfold pieces of paper and test myself on chemistry formulas over and over and over. But somedays.. Somedays I write. Somedays I think. And most days kodaline sings me the same song that I would put on repeat.. Over and over. 

20
I am lying down on the grass, inches away from the waters. And it is the sun, it is the sky, it is the waters that helps me think. I lie there, red faced and panting after a run. I sit for a long time, sometimes for an hour. And here I find myself writing. Pouring. As though in this one moment no one else exists, there was the sky and the water and me. 

Today I am hours from crossing over into adulthood. And I'm seated just beside the swimming pool at my gramps place, wet haired and inappropriately dressed so I blanket myself with a towel. And here I sit, and it feels like the world around me is slowly coming to a halt. And I'm thinking to myself, perhaps this is a moment I will remember years from now, when I turn 25, or 30.. These are the moments that I am brimming, overflowing with everything that I need, these are the moments that I know fire, I know contentment, I know me, even when things may be spinning out of control. These are moments I live for: 16, 18, 20..... I will still be that same girl. I will still be here. 

21 years old, with a lifetime of moments behind me, 
21 years young, with a lifetime of moments more