i'll start off this post by saying that collecting my results yesterday has truly been the greatest test of faith that has ever hit me 

i've never cried so hard in front of so many people ever. well, i guess you could say it really was because i never expected myself to do that badly and i had really hoped to do well in the one subject i poured my heart out into acing. Above all, though, i cried because i never really understood how bad results were a part of God's plan.

2013 was a year i made a commitment to God that i would stretch myself, go all out for Him just to serve Him and to make myself available to Him whenever He called. Those who saw me through my j2 year saw me struggling to juggle my studies and church- i never said no to God unless it was really impossible. So when i received my results yesterday, the first thing that came to my mind was really

"But God i thought You promised to honor me" 

i cracked under the fact that i will never be able to be placed in a position to testify of His goodness and grace; i will never be able to encourage my members or any youth serving God with the line "when you honor God, God will honor you", without seeing their face cringe in disbelief because of my poor results. I just kept chanting to myself over and over about the endless things i couldn't do because i didn't get what i wanted. Praising God back at home has never been harder but i tried folks. i really tried to choose joy over disappointment and hurt. It was genuinely the hardest thing I've ever done, convincing myself that i wasn't tired and fighting back the urge to rest and not praise.

Till i got up this morning and thought hard and long about the lies I've been feeding myself over Monday. Subtly, God was already slipping signs to me (of a greater thing He was doing) like a lover would slip love letters under the door. Over the course of last night and this morning, I've received so many prayer texts (which i absolutely adore) and encouraging tweets/ phone calls that really spoke so much about the number of people who cared and who really, genuinely loved me.

this is for Mr Goh, who was the trigger for all that crying, who told me plainly that he thought of me highly as a person and that my results will never in a million years reflect my personality and my effort as an art student. for sending me this text message that really means the world to me 

and this one's for my poop, who has seen me through everything- the tears i was too ashamed to show anyone else, the late nights staying up, rushing our own individual projects, always helping me to stand when i was too weak to do it by myself. and for this lovely tweet that really expressed everything she has been saying from day one but i had been too stubborn to listen. 

and this one's for mr lim, who called me a gazillion times to check if i was okay; who volunteered to help me get into ADM if i really wanted to, who tagged me in this post saying: 

"Every year, the students I feel for the most are not the ones who have excelled, but the ones who have tried their best but failed to make the cut."/ "this one's for you."

he may not have been the best person to talk to with his blunt remarks and open criticisms, but when he says something like that, i believe it with all my heart that i meant more to him than just a face in his crowd of graduating students.

and lastly, a little comment jow made last night on instagram that really woke me up from the lies i had been believing:

in the little ways that i know how, the way i have lived my life, the words in the many many cards i have written (because that is how i love), God has been using them all to speak to the people around me. even if it was to leave a tiny mark or to change someone's perspective entirely, i have changed them. God has filled me up with so much joy, so much peace in discovering that He has never stopped using me and He will continue to use me in my weakness and my brokenness. I can still be a testimony even in this season.

and now, i just want to say, that in Christian living.. sometimes God really does bless us with good grades; sometimes God really does bless us with good health, wealth, love and companionship. but our goal is never to run after those benefits when we serve Him because these things are temporary. God's end-point (like Javan was sharing with me a few days ago,) is to glorify Himself. So be prepared, in His will to glorify Himself, your life may take the rocky roads of heartache, pain, loss, grief. But the beauty of it all really is.. that as we begin to seek Him and His kingdom above all things, there is a change of heart that is taking place gradually. That there will come a point in our lives where our personal, lustful desires will be realigned to a desire to do God's will- just because we love Him that much. And in this process, we begin to find fulfilment and true satisfaction in doing His will. Truly then, will we find freedom in surrendering our free will back to Christ, satisfaction in complete obedience and joy amidst trials. 

God is still good, still faithful and still the Lover of my soul.