catch u guys later x

Safe to say my body has finally given way to the weight of camp and that one faithful christmas performance; its 15 minutes into 6pm and I am on my second nap of the day- golden light pours into my room and I am feeling a pulsing discomfort in my throat and head.. Really sucks to be sick on the week of Christmas. 

/ 

Post-camp has been so different. This year's camp was so so different. I've never before left a camp knowing exactly what to do in every aspect of my life so I can breakthrough to the next level. Back in October, I felt God speak to me about maturity. What it means to mature. What it means to grow up in my emotions, in my spiritual life. This word 'maturity' kept resurfacing every where, in Instagram posts, in bible verses, in sermons.. But revelation cannot become reality if it doesn't move from the head to the heart. And so I sat on this word and did nothing for a good two months until one Friday of leaders lifegroup that one of our leaders shared on what it means to arise. Arise is an action. And something began to stir in my heart. 'Maturity'— this word, over and over again it began to stir in my heart but I still didn't know what it meant. Until camp. During the services God's word over my life began to unfold, but not yet. Not fully. I felt Him speaking to me about so many different aspects of my life. There was a point in time I was so tempted to be confused, to trust in that doubtful voice, that perhaps, God was not speaking to me at all. It was the morning after camp, that God brought so much clarity. The word 'maturity' summed up basically everything He was speaking to me about. He was speaking to me throughout the camp about what it means to grow up spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically even. And that's when He spoke right into my heart: 

'physical maturity happens with time but spiritual maturity happens with a decision.' 

This changes everything for me; spiritual maturity / breakthrough to the next level happens when I decide that I want it. When I can consciously choose Jesus 365 days a year. Now it sounds impossible.. But all things are possible with God. There is always a choice in every situation. Will I choose to grow up in this choice I am making? Or will I go back to who I used to be, babying around, being thrown back and forth by my emotions and desires of my flesh? 

God's word over my life in 2017 is to arise / to mature. To make every conscious decision to not stay down in this same pit that I've been stuck in for the past seasons. But to choose to get up and walk in the victory that Christ gave His life to give us. It's not going to be easy.. But it's going to be so worth it. There is a sweetness and a freedom in living within God's plans for me, I have tasted it and there is nothing in this world that compares to it. This is my life, that I may always give it over to Jesus, knowing that He has the best in store for me. 

I'm waiting on Him, for so many different things this new year. But in the waiting, I confess that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I confess that I will trust in the Lord my God with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths. I confess that it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me. 

2017, let it be a year of even greater 

I finished another book today and it was so wonderful. I think I wanted to hate it for what it was in the beginning: short, abrupt, cheesy. But the wonderful started to creep in somewhere in the chapter thirties... And my goodness was it wonderful. 

The whole book reminded me of you: dorky, cheesy, always saving.. always giving. Scary.. almost petrifying but gentle in the softest way possible. 

*Inaudible sighs*

It's 4am and I'm feeling my heart pulse in the most violent way; It's knocking into my chest with every beat and I'm thinking to myself, if anyone were to touch me now they would literally feel the jumps on my skin.

I tried to fall asleep at 2, but I barely made an hour with my heart knocking against my chest like this. So I woke up and continued reading. Before I slept, I resolved in my heart that I was attempting to pursue my reading habits again; I found myself reading a book I bought 2 years ago but never found the time to touch. Now it's 4am and I am 20 pages from the end, willing myself to sleep so I wouldn't have to finish the book, but I'm still feeling the knocks and the jumps. 

And I'm thinking to myself, what a terrible way to feel alive. To be so rudely aware of my pulsing heart as it nudges into tired bones, tired flesh. I think I fell asleep on page 201. 

/

It's 11am the next day and I am up on a little adventure to the nature park nearby. I've never heard of it, and never even seen it until two weeks ago when we were driving past to get to a mall. Climbing through the paths, I was feeling my heart pound with every step I took, like the night before; but now in a fearful way because I was alone and in an excited way too, because I didn't know what to expect. All around me I see trees and I hear rustling of leaves, of creatures bouncing from tree to tree, branch to branch, crunching leaves under their tiny feet. At one point in time I saw two squirrels chasing one another and I think I laughed out loud. 

And then. When I saw it I was sure I shouted or gasped of some kind. Beyond the trees there stood a cliff or rock formation of some sort, it was huge and it was majestic, stretching high and wide as it sat on a body of water. I stumbled to the edge of the water and begun to take it all in. The thing about existing in moments like these is that there are so many things to absorb. I photograph and I photograph and I photograph. I read somewhere that to know what people are scared of losing, we need only look at their photographs. At that moment, this quote had never been more relevant. I documented so this moment wouldn't slip through my mind's fingers. After wandering around some more, I tore myself away from the park and left for home. 

/ 

I finished the last 20 pages in the weirdest of places. I dropped by a coffee shop on the way home and finished the book as I wolfed down lunch. It was between slurps of noodles that I slurped down these last pages. And it was in that coffee shop with people buzzing around me and the smell of food wafting through the air, that I found the perfect moment for a perfect ending. 

Safe to say, my first day into winter break has been pretty kickass so far. 

last month as I was working on a personal branding project.. I found that xi (熹）meant 'bright/warm/fire'. on the day I was born it was sunny and it was raining. so my dad named me after that sun and my sister after that rain. when I read those words again there was a hum, an agreement deep inside me, as if I had these words inside me all along. and as I wrote and wrote, I found that over the years of writing my heart out, this word has swam its way into my writing, nudged it's way into one of my fav phrases, pulled me closer to people whom I know are these things.. and perhaps drove me to want to be bright, to be warm, to have fire. 

/ 

when i picked out my english name, it was just a beautiful name with less meaning that I hope it would have had. But since I used it at a part time job in 2014, it kind of stuck. But it's only in the last couple of weeks.. that I have begun to feel the meaning of that name unfold. 

/

beauty for ashes. 

and that's when something shifted in me... ashes indeed. 

there has never been a point in my walk with Him that I have felt more like ashes, never been a point where I have felt more like dust. But yet, there has never been a point in my walk that I have understood His grace more, felt His mercy in this way, seen the hand of God reach down and grab me out of the pit. 

/

You have taken me from the darkness into light, brought me from my knees to touch the sky, exchanged ashes for a crown of beauty. Ashes I am, ashes I will continue to be; for a weak and contrite heart Lord, You will never despise. 

Beating the Monday blues with an unexpected conversation with an unexpected friend, on what it means to obey, to love and serve the Lord regardless of our circumstances... So thankful for small, refreshing conversations amidst our busy schedules. I feel like over the weekend God had already begun speaking to me about what it means to set aside time for what truly matters. Are there somethings in life that simply cannot wait? An opportunity to bless someone, to be there for a hurting friend, to have a meal with someone special....?

Tonight God reminded me of the importance of seeing the spiritual in every mundane and secular thing: (in the context of what I am seeing,) what am I chasing after? What am I running towards? / may I always find myself running towards His purposes, building His kingdom and loving His people, above and beyond my own rush against time to check things off the todo list. 

There are some things in life that are too important to miss. 

Moving towards this weekend with conscious and steady steps /

Even though I can hear fear knocking at the door, I know I must choose to answer with faith. And even though my weaknesses have never been louder, I know that my God is bigger. 

I have to remember that there is nothing that I can do or cannot do, all that needs to be done has already been finished. All I need to do is to step in.