a little something I wrote in the last days of 2014

It's 20 minutes into 4 and I am here, nestled in the midst of nowhere- a green grassy patch- just before the waters spread beyond me, meters and meters north. My heart and mind are full. 

2014 has been such a year. Such a turbulent year for my heart, I don't think it has found rest for a long, long time. on days like this I look back and I really wonder if I'm that much of a thinker as they say I am. In this year alone I have felt so much; I have ached and burned, crumbled and crashed. And now all I think I know is numb. I've made new friends that make me roll over in laughter, aching sides, tears and all. And I've lost some and will lose some, I think, to careless words, to careless actions, to trying to be myself. Speaking of which, 2014 is one year that I've marked to truly have discovered the beauty of being myself- my klutzy, conflicted self. I have learned to love myself in a dizzy, poetic way, all through my assignments in school that seemed so silly all at once but really showed me that everything that I stand for can be and really is, beautiful. 

I stand at the edge of this year, breaths away from the next. My stomach churns. In a silly way. In a complicated way. In a way that I can't fit words to describe. Like the way it churns when you're at the edge of a cliff. Or before the roller coaster makes a drop. I will hold fast to hope. I will hold fast to light. And find strength in the marrow of my bones to trudge through this new year with the One who promises to never let go. 

//Thank You Lord, for this beautiful yet painful year. With You I am always safe, always secure so thank You.